The Author Wants You to Know...
Name: Rachel
Female
Age: 41
Instagram: @rachelhitch83
"I remember reading one woman’s description of her awful anxiety - she described it as a raging fire through her body that she just could not put out."
I’ve never really shared my story properly before, and I always promised myself that I would. I guess this is my way of reaching out to people to say, 'you're not alone'. Unfortunately, I’ve battled with post-natal anxiety and depression twice. I want to use this as an opportunity to talk about both experiences – both different, but equally as difficult and traumatic.
My first boy, Seb, was born in August 2016. Without going into too much detail, my first birth experience wasn't the best. Various factors meant that I was closely monitored by the hospital which resulted in me being induced at 38 weeks. Finally, Seb arrived 5 days after my first induction - I was completely exhausted. Just a day later, I was home - shattered, battered, bruised & rather than being able to go to bed, had a teeny tiny baby to look after & be responsible for.
First day at home
The classic 'what the hell are we supposed to do now?!' kicked in. Nothing weird about that - everyone gets that. It was in the days after this that I started to feel very... strange. I'd heard about the 'baby blues' but this was different - I knew how I usually felt & I was a million miles away from it. The only word I can think of to describe how I started to feel about Seb is 'scared'. Every time he stirred, made a noise etc, a panic would come over me. In my rational head I knew that this was how it was going to be whilst I adjusted to our new family life, but the rational part of my brain was being drowned out by something else.
Rather than seeing Seb as the start of our new life, I saw it as a 'what have I done?', which sounds awful but it's how I was feeling. My husband, family and close friends were all so supportive - I couldn't have wished for anything else, but I felt so alone. I felt guilty that I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and yet I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Seb felt like a stranger - a stranger who I'd just been asked to be responsible for for the rest of his life. That's when the anxiety attacks really took hold - about a week after he was born.
Even though he was a pretty good sleeper, drank milk for Britain and was generally settled, I was the opposite. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep a wink - any noise he made I was awake, heart pounding, head spinning. Then the hysterical crying would start - by this point my husband was back at work & I was keeping him up all night with my anxiety attacks. I knew that the 'baby blues' had developed into something else.
I went to the doctors straight away and I guess I was hoping for a miracle cure. They were reluctant to put me on any medication straight away as Seb was only a couple of weeks old & my hormones were still all over the place. After several days I felt no better at all, so went back to see her & she prescribed me Fluoxetine. Again, I was hoping that taking one tablet would be like magic and that this horrible cloud that I felt over my head would disappear & I'd be back to ‘normal’.
I also went to see a counsellor. Luckily my very lovely (and worried) parents booked me in to see a lady who worked locally. She really helped me. It turned out that Seb was only the trigger of a lot of stuff that I'd buried. It's very common for a life event to be the trigger of something that's happened previously. I was diagnosed with a type of PTSD which had been brought on by Seb's birth. The more I spoke, the more I realised that there had probably been an underlying issue for quite some time.
Two years before Seb was born, two members of my immediate family passed away within 6 weeks of each other. Just before that, my husband had been made redundant, we got married & had a shed load of family drama surrounding the wedding. I think all of it had been locked away in my little (or rather big) worry bank & had been left festering.
Before Seb, I was constantly on the go, working full time, off to the gym straight from work, doing dinner, lunches, etc. Looking back, I didn't want time to think. Then Seb was born & everything had to slow down. He came first. I was suddenly at home, unable to go to the gym to de-stress and my hormones were running riot. Everything had caught up with me, but the therapy helped me to work through it all.
Five years later
In 2021, Finn arrived. On day 3 after his birth, all those feelings came back again. I suspected that they might (and so did my family), but deep down I hoped that they wouldn’t. Unfortunately, it is common for PN anxiety & depression to happen again with a second child & for me, it was even worse.
I moved into my parents house for two weeks when Finn was just a few weeks old. The strain I was putting on my husband didn’t feel fair & I didn’t want it to impact Seb either. I will always be so grateful to my husband for the love & support he gave me & the space he allowed me in order to get better. It wasn’t easy for him working full time & holding the fort at home.
When Finn was around 4 weeks old, I sincerely believe I had a breakdown. I don’t want to slate my health visitor, as I genuinely believe she had the best of intentions, but unfortunately the referral that she put through for me to see the Perinatal Team was rejected. Only I wasn’t made aware of this.
"My very concerned Mum then took charge & called the Perinatal Team, practically begging / demanding an appointment."
Luckily my Mum’s perseverance paid off & I saw them that very same day as an emergency. Speaking to the doctor through sobs, I tried my best to explain how terrible I felt & how I desperately needed help. She listened, and for the first time in weeks, I felt that she was the first person who understood where I was coming from. I’d called my doctors numerous times & each time spoken to a different doctor. I had to keep explaining the situation each time I called & I felt like no one was understanding just how desperate I felt. I’d repeatedly asked for help with my sleep, as I was so exhausted & almost delirious through the lack of sleep. I couldn’t even drive my car as I just could not concentrate.
The perinatal doctor agreed that I needed help sleeping. The relief was huge. It was decided that I would take mirtazapine, along with the existing fluoxetine that I had recently increased the dosage of. For the first time in weeks, that night, I got some sleep. I have done so much reading & searching of the internet for PND recovery stories, desperately clinging onto the hope that someone who had once felt as bad as I did had got better.
I remember reading one woman’s description of her awful anxiety - she described it as a raging fire through her body that she just could not put out. That really resonated with me. It also made me realise that PND is an illness - it’s not something that you can control or fight. It is a chemical imbalance that is out of your control.
I know exactly why PND came back to bite me for a second time. In March 2020, at what I believed was 11 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I felt so sad and angry at the world. I’d felt so poorly in those early stages of pregnancy & all everyone had said to me was ‘that’s a good sign!’. I felt as though I’d been made to suffer & then had to suffer even more when my baby was taken from me. I felt like I was responsible in some way. I became obsessed with checking social media for pregnancy announcements & bursting into tears if / when I saw one. I was completely & utterly irrational - I now see that I was grieving.
I thought that if I could get pregnant again, it would make everything better. 3 months later, I was lucky that I was pregnant again. I now also see that this was not the answer, even though I was incredibly lucky that it gave me my beautiful baby boy, Finn. I didn’t give myself time to heal & it resulted in me not enjoying one single minute of my pregnancy. I was convinced he wasn’t going to make it. The stress I put myself through was unreal. There was only ever going to be one outcome - PND and anxiety.
It's been a much longer road to recovery this second time around (again with medication and therapy) and I would say I’m still a work in progress, but I have come so far.
Today
It’s now April 2024 & Finn has recently turned 3. Life seems to be going at a million miles an hour - working almost full time & juggling two kids, childcare, homework & after school activities for the eldest is quite a challenge! But I am coping - and that is a massive improvement on where I was. I feel proud of what I’ve been through & that I survived it.
"I am a good Mum - even though for a long time the anxiety / depression would convince me I wasn’t."
I love my boys more than anything in this world - they are my everything, and whilst it’s been a struggle after having each of them, I would never change my decision to have either of them. They really have completed me.
If I were to try & offer any advice to anyone going through the same thing, I would say the first step is to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. Another big one is accepting help. I was so determined to do everything myself at first. I didn't want to let family or friends help me; even if they offered to help hang out the washing, make dinner, do the feeds, etc. I felt like I was a failure if I couldn't do it all. Now I would be more than happy for them to come round, clean the house from top to bottom! Don't be a hero - if people want to help then let them. It doesn't mean that they think you're incapable, they just care about you & want to do what they can.
I joined a baby sensory class with both boys & met some lovely ladies there. They helped me so much, without even realising it. We had a WhatsApp group & talked about anything & everything - asked any questions we had, shared advice, and ranted if we wanted to. With Finn, I joined a mum & baby exercise group which we loved. I still go to the classes now & exercise is such a boost for me – it helps me mentally & physically.
"The mums that I’ve met along the way have helped me through some pretty rubbish days. It can really lighten the load."
I’ve also recently started volunteering for a charity called ‘By Your Side’. It’s been set up by healthcare professionals & mums who have also been in similar situations. We run a stay & play on a Tuesday morning – it’s completely free & again provides an opportunity for mums (and dads) to talk to people who have shared experiences.
If this helps one person feel a little better, or encourages them to talk to someone, then I'll be happy. If you're feeling like I was, please tell the person you trust the most or go and see the doctor. They're not going to take the little one away from you - they're there to help you. Don't be scared to open up. Join that baby group down the road or go to a free baby class. It's so good to meet other mums and realise that we're all just winging our way through it. I guarantee you'll meet at least one person who is feeling exactly the same as you.
For perinatal mental health peer support in Coventry & Warwickshire, visit
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