For me, freedom began with betrayal. Self-betrayal to be more specific. And that self-betrayal grew and grew over many years, leading to the betrayal of others out of survival. The call to live a life of being true to myself started so softly, and grew and grew like a pit in my stomach. Reversing the betrayal would mean pain. Pain for myself and for the ones I loved most in this life. But understanding that self-betrayal creates a longer burning pain with bigger consequences, I knew what I had to do.

 

At the age of 23, I discovered I was pregnant. It was the result of a rare drunken night, the father being very much sober. I was in no state to consent. These days they would probably call that rape but in 2004, it was a bad decision on my part. The father skirted all responsibility and I faced the very hard decision of what to do as a first year grad student with a hard core religious upbringing.

 

Inevitably, I ended up dropping out of school and moving home as a self-perceived failure at life, wearing the shame publicly in the form of a growing belly. I was so angry. I was angry at the father’s ability to run from the situation. I couldn’t run from my own body. I took a job that I hated, because that was the responsible thing to do. I met a very nice man at that job and we became very good friends. Underlying the friendship was a pity for the other and meeting a need in ourselves. The baby came. We went from suddenly being friends to family. And now here I had a very good man who was kind and hard-working, wanting to marry me. It was a fairy tale ending. The unwed mother was saved by a man who was willing to raise a child that wasn’t biologically his. Who could turn down such an offer?

 

I cried the night before he proposed because I didn't feel love, but that didn't matter any more. I was a mother now and that came first. My son’s happiness was more important than mine. And if that meant sacrificing in marriage, I would do it.

 

And so that’s how I decided to live my life for the next 16 years. We had a nearly perfect life from the outside. We had three more children and moved into a nice house. He was my friend and we were very good partners in day-to-day life. We lived very much as roommates while I essentially sleepwalked through life. I would get sad about it from time to time, but I had turned that side of myself off a long time ago and just shoved it away, living my lucky fairy tale ending of being a rescued woman.

 

Something began to awaken within me a few years before I turned forty. I realized how little of my life I was truly living. I realized how little I knew myself. I was living for my children and my husband. I had no idea who I was as a person. And so I set out on a journey of self-discovery. While this journey was messy, parts of myself became alive. Parts that I didn’t know existed. I started to feel happy as a person, not just as a mother. My business started growing with this new energy. And I so desperately wanted to turn this energy to my marriage and fought so hard to make it something that it wasn’t.

 

Over the course of more than a year, I wrestled with the idea of leaving. I told my husband what I was experiencing and tried to make him someone he wasn’t. Things just got worse as a result and I felt more trapped than ever. I wanted to be loved in the way I knew was possible. I had been loved as a friend, but I knew there was something more for me and I was worthy of experiencing it. And so exactly one year ago to the date that I’m writing this, I booked an airbnb said goodbye to my marriage, and to a partner that I very much had love for, grieving everything it would never be. I was choosing to be free to live the life that I desired.

 

Oh, but freedom isn’t free! On the very first night of moving out, I was enamored at my ability to do anything I wanted. No one would be questioning me. No one would be going through my phone. And so I went on a date that I knew from the beginning would be a bad idea. It left me feeling so much worse. And over the course of that year, so desperate to experience the love that I knew was possible, I experienced more and more heartache. I ignored red flags if I felt passion. I looked past obvious incompatibilities when I was told the right words. I paid dearly financially to rent a house. I lost friends who didn’t agree with my decision to leave my marriage. The price of freedom runs deep.

 

Yet, I wouldn’t go back. I continue on my journey of self-discovery, forgiving and learning, surrendering to the lessons I get to learn. I am more content than ever.

 

Steven Pressfield wrote, “The truly free individual is free only to the extent of his own self- mastery.” And so in year two of this freedom, I acknowledge that freedom is self-mastery. Looking further within and finding the satisfaction and love and answers from within myself, instead of from without, is the way forward. Building systems of self-discipline and having the self-awareness to say no to the allure of love that is not for me. It’s a process and a journey that I will continue to live for the rest of my life.

 

Yes it’s messy and non-linear but it’s full of adventure and the price to live in alignment instead of betrayal is worth every cost. 

 

Interested in having your own empowering boudoir portrait experience? Connect with Rachel at naplesboudoir.com or via her Instagram page and quote ‘Celebration of Self’ when booking.