But I soon lost what I had found in a way that was unthinkably bad for me: I "fell off the wagon". Due to increasing malnutrition, my body wanted to help me by putting me under constant cravings. I was mean to people in my inner circle, judging them for ordering fries and pizza instead of a salad like me. I became thinner and unhappier until I finally succumbed to the cravings and stuffed myself with all the food I could in binge-eating episodes. This phase went on for a few weeks, the constant feeling of failure spread, I searched for answers until at some point I came across Anthony Williams and his book "Food Medicine".

I did change my diet, but a few years later found myself in a new addiction: the addiction to exercise and sports. The daily sport forced me to put my life on the back burner again. I set my alarm clock for 5:00 a.m., packed my bag and drove to the gym. In the evening I came home totally stressed, hungry and unhappy. I had no joy in life, couldn't experience - well, actually, couldn't even perceive - happy moments. I was driven. Driven by my fixed ideal of beauty, which of course I still didn't meet even after years of flagellation.

The only way out was to torture myself even more, to eat even less and to do even more sports. This is how my life would have looked for ages, until I reached the absolute bottom. My boyfriend told me one evening that he no longer knew whether he still loved me and that the last few months had taken too much out of him, and that I was so lost and no longer appreciated our life together. So that was it. I was alone. I couldn't think a clear thought anymore, I didn't know where to go. I felt neither my body nor my soul.