"I know beyond a shadow of doubt that hope exists"

By definition, Freedom means “the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants” or the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.” So then, the opposite of this is captivity.

 

It’s interesting to have been given space to think and write about this topic from the place of stability and healing that I have worked really damn hard to get to.

 

A brief(ish) backstory - I grew up in church.
(Disclaimer: I am not fully anti-religion, nor am I anti-god/spirituality - believe whatever you want, that’s what I say! I’m just sharing my personal experience! I've actually come to understand more recently that it is important for me to have some sort of connection with a Power that is higher than me... For me, connection is the antidote to most of the things that held me captive to whatever degree...)

 

There’s a lot that I can be grateful for in hindsight - I grew up in a big, multicultural community and learned about more than my mid-sized, majority white hometown. I learned the value of believing in something bigger than myself. I learned to sing here, and also to be kind, friendly and respectful.

 

I tried really hard to be good. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fit the bill of “good christian girl”, being prepared to marry a man who would probably be a pastor, and ready to support him in that. I was discouraged from pursuing an education past secondary school as my “ministry” was more important…

 

I started battling with what I now know was depression when I was about thirteen. I would go through periods of time where I just felt like I couldn’t breathe or think straight. I would spend time in my room crying and not understanding what the actual hell was going on... Then I would eventually squish it all down enough to be able to carry on with life until the next round.

 

I spent some time writing out what those dark days looked like, but I decided it wasn’t necessary to go into too much detail. Trust me though when I say that although I had some really great times with my friendship group, and started playing guitar (both of which were my sanity at those times!) and I also got to travel a bit, there were some really scary and awful times too. I struggled and felt so alone throughout so many of those years.

 

I threw myself into my church community as a young adult. It was everything to me. The times I felt most like me was when I was singing - with my sister, my solo stuff, or at church. I found some sort of peace and thought I had found my answers.

 

Then.

I kissed a girl...
Dun dun dunnnnnnnn.

 

The next weeks and months were such a whirlwind.

 

On the one hand, I felt like I had lost absolutely everything - I was kicked out of church, the place I was living and my whole community (people who had been my community for years would quite literally cross the street if they saw me).

 

On the other hand, it felt like the first time I had found and used my own damn voice. I had made a decision based on what I wanted, not out of fear of people not liking me or any consequences.

 

For the first time, I thought I had found freedom. So began a season of sex, drink and working 50-70 hours a week (not exactly rock and roll, but unhealthy and imbalanced, and all clouded in cigarette smoke!)

 

Money fell through my fingers though. I lived paycheck to paycheck, I was behind on rent and it didn’t take long before I felt like a zombie, both physically and emotionally.

 

I learned some wonderful things in that season. But freedom was not one of them.
I was depressed and anxious and in an unhealthy relationship (and then another one after that and then another one).

 

You know what? I thought that when I got married to my favourite human in all of existence, and we had a baby (my other favourite human in all of the lands, seas and galaxies) that I would find freedom and peace and stability and consistency. I did not.

 

I got sober, moved out of the UK and although my life on the outside was finally better and made sense, I fell apart. Into thousands of tiny fragments.

 

I went to therapy on and off and sometimes smiled long enough to take a photo to post on instagram, but it was a really tumultuous and difficult start to what is supposed to be the best days of our lives.

 

All this to say, when I tell you that I know torment and darkness I really do. I was stuck in despair and hopelessness for a really really long time. Not very much made sense. I was stuck in circles and cycles of pain, and was regretfully the cause of that for the people I loved too. Sometimes, without even knowing about it.

 

About a year and a half ago I started a twelve step recovery program. I didn’t really ever think I would be that person… It turns out that although I had been trying really hard to be okay by getting rid of the things I had used as solutions for my problems (aka my Big Feelings) I hadn’t replaced them with anything. So I had spent six years basically free-falling.

 

But I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that I am now experiencing hope and peace and steadiness like I have never known before. I am becoming a person of consistency and integrity.

 

I am learning to think differently and process situations differently. I am learning to practise being wildly honest and accepting.

 

Some of the relief I found was almost instantaneous and some is still slowly, very slowly on its way. Life is still so weird and doesn’t always make sense, but I am learning to respond and not react, and I am finding that my capacity and stability is growing.

 

I don't know if I’ve found a place of self-love, but I have found neutrality. And that is so much better than the self-hatred I was consumed by for so long. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Hope exists.

 

Some of the biggest things that I have learned over the years that have brought me closer to freedom that I would love to share with you:

1) Sometimes peace is a decision.

2) All I can do is all I can do. And sometimes, all that can be is the next right thing.

3) My responsibility is keeping my side of the street clean.

4) Sometimes I need to take charge and do the things that I know will work. My feelings, although always valid, are not always reliable or true. And they will fall into line.

5) Gratitude isn’t just a buzzword, it works. It’s science! It changes neural pathways and changes e v e r y t h ing. Writing a list everyday even if it's just one thing is a really helpful practice.

6) Being grateful isn’t the same as toxic positivity. Pretending everything is always okay is bull. And harmful. And also really hard work to maintain after a while! Beautiful things can exist at the same time as hard things.

7) Desperation + Willingness = the truest change.

8) Looking at myself honestly means recognising the good as well as the ugly. I need to learn and grow and change, yes. But also there are some parts that are good. And regardless of it all, I am good enough.

9) Healing can look like being self disciplined and sticking to routines and holding firm boundaries. And it can also look like telling awful jokes and laughing and having dance parties.

10) Self care isn't just facemasks and bubble baths. Sometimes it's going to bed early or taking daily vitamins. Sometimes it's saying Hell Yes to things, and sometimes it's saying Hell No. Sometimes it’s taking the day off or cancelling plans, and sometimes it’s showing up and sticking to commitments. Sometimes it's listening to our bodies/brains and doing what we feel like, and sometimes it's putting that to one side and for now, doing what needs to be done. Sometimes it's crying, sometimes it's laughing. But it's all important and once we recognize that there's a time and a place for it all, we get to experience this life thing in all its glorious forms.

 

On a scale of Surviving to Thriving, where are you right now?

I challenge you, whoever you are and wherever you are - What can you do today to take yourself even one step closer towards peace of mind and your truest, most wonderful self?

 

For what it's worth, I believe in you.
We've got this.
Inhale, Exhale, LETS GO.