The other side of death, however, was something you always thought about. The other side of death being the life left behind after a loved one dies. You feared this regularly and had thought of every single scenario in which you could possibly lose someone you loved. You had even practiced crying real tears about the loss that had only happened in your mind.

Sometimes you wondered if you thought about death so much that you actually wanted it. Sometimes you feared that you actually wanted your loved ones to die so you could put all your practice into use. I don’t think that was the case, I think you were so afraid of them dying that you were constantly preparing yourself for the unbearable pain you would inevitably feel – so you knew what to expect. Although, I do think that your lack of fear around your own death turned into an actual desire for it. But you never admitted that.

You left home because you thought you needed to be more independent. You had been completely alone with your emotions for so long that you thought the natural progression was to be physically alone too. You would pride yourself on your independence because when you’re alone you don’t need to worry about being ‘good’. You can be messy and rude, and you don’t have anyone you can let down or overwhelm. The good girl is who you were, but it wasn’t you. It was the ‘you’ you were to keep other people comfortable. I know there are positives to independence, and you know that too, but this time, your independence was dangerous. To the point where you weren’t really independent at all.